John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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