I just threw up on my dentist
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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