I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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