I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She's the barista slut.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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