worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
