I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
