Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
