you traded sex for a burrito?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
