Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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