pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
