I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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