Well douche your snatch and let's go!
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
