i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
