no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
