what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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