Yo dont text me then not text me
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm both gender and math confused
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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