so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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