dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
