I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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