did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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