I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
