TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
