I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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