I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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