Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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