I wannas sexs uuuuu
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
