you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
