i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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