I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
