trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
