I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
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