I'll bet she douches with gravy.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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