Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
