I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
