Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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