Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
