I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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