Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You are a genius and a whore.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize