Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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