I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize