do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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