All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
