I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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