I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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