so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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