It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The uberlube is also flammable
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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