He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
