my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
