Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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