I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
