Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
