Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize