Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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