The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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