theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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