Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
