the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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