three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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