i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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