I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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