why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You can't special order awesome
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
