i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
