do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize