i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
