I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I have demons in me.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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