I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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