my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
